Second nature.

Self harm, for me, is be second nature. It is something so ingrained in my daily routine that it isn’t something I question. It’s part of who I am. This way of thinking, coupled with suicidal thoughts is just who I am. I centre my life around it. I don’t think there is a conscious decision to think that way – and there isn’t a conscious thought popping into my head as to why I am thinking that way. I just am. I feel like I’m still in the stage of reminding myself that I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t be consumed by that. But I’m puzzled over whether I still am that person if I need to constantly remind myself not to be that person.

To quote my favourite slam poet Neil Hilborn:

“You try all the time not to cut yourself,
because you’re “not that person any more”
Tell me, would someone who is not that person need to constantly remind themselves?”

 

So am I kidding myself? Am I still that person intent on self-destruction? Maybe I have to wait until it isn’t second nature.  Maybe I have to wait until those thoughts bleed out, and aren’t part of me anymore. It seems un-natural imagining myself without those thoughts. Like it has been so long since my mind was free. Am I still that person?

19 things I’ve learnt in 19 years.

1. Love your parents. You only have two. Soon they will be gone and you’ll miss them like crazy.

2. People will break your heart, whether it be with words or actions. You will heal in time, I promise.

3. Do what makes you happy, do it until you die. Pour yourself into it. I mean it.

4.Sadness isn’t beautiful. It’s messy and dark, and it hurts. Live.

5. You are going to lose people that mean a lot to you. You will get through it. Build a heart of stone.

6. Listen to your mother – she’s usually right.

7. Question everything. Keep asking why.

8. There will always be a voice in your head that says you can’t. Tell it you can.

9. Crying is not a sign of weakness. Cry a lot.

10. It is okay to be alone. Only then will you learn about yourself.

11. Let people talk. Who cares. Words do not define you.

12. Stop pretending that the world owes you a favour. You owe the world to burn bright. Be a star.

13. People don’t change. Surround yourself with the good ones.

14. There will be days when you don’t feel alive. Believe me, it will pass.

15. Saying no is allowed.

16. You will fail and fall. Sometimes, over and over again. Get back up.

17. Depend on yourself. Happiness comes from within you.

18. Stop bullying yourself. It’s really a waste of time.

19. Be full of love. I’ve heard it’s the greatest thing of all.

It’s okay.

“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”James Baldwin.

You have a right to be here. You are human, you have a brain, and a face and a heart that pumps blood through your body. So why are we questioning our self worthiness?

Self love (according to American Heritage Med Dictionary):The instinct or desire to promote one’s own well-being; regard for or love of one’s self.

Well I have something to say.

It is okay to not like parts of yourself, it is okay to have a soft tummy, it is okay to be opinionated, it is okay to not like olives, it is okay to be shy, it is okay to be tall, it is okay to be short, it is okay to love cartoons when you’re 40, it is okay to live your dreams, it is okay to be selfish, it is okay to not be okay, it is okay to have regrets, it is okay to hurt, it is okay to cry, it is okay to like girls, it is okay to like boys, it is okay to like both, it is okay to take a thousand selfies, it is okay to fail, it is okay to succeed, it is okay to be yourself.

I can’t stress this enough. Once you accept every fault, every failure, every imperfection that makes you up, you will be okay. After all, we are all human. We all have brains, hearts and faces. The beauty of existence is that there is no one alive right now like you. Embrace your differences, embrace every little thing that you hate. Because at least there is something to hate. Embrace yourself.

I wish.

1. …to know what I’m doing with my life. 2… for no gender gap. 3… that people wouldn’t be so god damn judgmental. 3… for happiness for everyone. 4… that I was capable of loving. 5… that I knew the answer to all the big questions. 6… that war would stop and humans could realise we are all human. 7… that my parents would stop worrying about me. 8… that i could mute the voice in my head for a day. 9… that every person in the world has somewhere to sleep at night. 10… i wish that i actually matter.

 

things guaranteed to make you smile.

1. Give blood. Saving another persons life comes with a happy buzz.

2. Spend time with animals, they have such a carefree outlook on life. Learn from them.

3. Give someone a hug. It releases happy chemicals.

4. Get out of your bedroom. Sit in a park and watch others live their lives.

5. Do something you love. Even if it’s eating a block of chocolate and watching Friends reruns.

6. Write a list of everything you are grateful for.

7. Call someone you love. Even if they’re a million miles away.

8. Play your favourite song and have a dance.

9. Inspire yourself.

10. Love yourself. Even if it takes a year of standing in the mirror and saying to yourself ‘this is who I am.’

A story for each one.

1. I hope she was worth it.

2. You loved shooting up more than you loved me.

3. I wish you had never touched me.

5. I hate that I still think you cared.

6. I wish I didn’t miss you.

7. I left you so you wouldn’t leave me.

8. I wonder whose arms you’re in now.

9. I thought you could fix me.

10. I wasn’t the one who left.